Last night, my brain decided that I wasn’t going to sleep until I made up an entire story about Santa’s reindeer, specifically Donner and her regrettably unfortunate hella boring name when compared to the ✨spicy✨ names of the rest of the crew. Enjoy…
Why, pray tell, do all of Santa’s reindeer have frankly outlandish names…except Donner?
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid and Blitzen are all names I’d associate with complete and utter party animals, right?
What do you think the Santa’s Workshop post-Christmas end of year office party looks like? I’m going to take a guess…
You’ve got Dasher and Prancer hiding out in the dingiest bathroom stall, eyes wide, completely ‘gised…no, that’s not snow on their snouts.
Dancer is proper mortal, cutting loose on top of a table while a crowd of elves gather around with their phones out, filming, hoping to catch Dancer take a tumble with peak possibility for social media virality.
You know Vixen and Cupid are 100% making out in a low-lit stall in the least frequented corner of Santa’s Workshop.
Blitzen is blitzed. Like, hurling into the bushes blitzed after challenging Mrs Claus to a game of eggnog pong and coming off entirely worse for wear.
Comet, well, who the fuck knows where Comet is? He left 10 minutes ago with some of the rowdier elves to go and pick fights with the North Pole neighbourhood walruses.
Now, where, oh where, is Donner in all this? Donner is sitting in her regular old office, at her regular old desk, staring at the sign on her door that reads her regular old name. She’s sighing to herself, thinking about all the HR issues she’s going to have to deal with in the aftermath of this complete and utter shit show. Every year it’s the same.
“What about Rudolph?” I hear you ask. Well, what about Rudolph? Ever since that cocky little shit got promoted to Reindeer in Chief, he daren’t deign to attend a lowly end of year post-Christmas office party with the simpletons he works with. He’s in charge now. He does whatever the hell he wants.
And that’s the story of Santa’s reindeer.
Merry Christmas in July and goodnight.