How To Lose Your Job In 25 Easy Steps (But Not In The Way You Think)

This happened a few years back now but it still takes up space in my brain. It showed up today as a post in my Facebook memories so I thought I’d share. This is “How To Lose Your Job in 25 Easy Steps” by an absolute imbecile…

A (not so) brief, step-by-step guide on how to give the people who watch the security video footage at your work place a little entertainment first thing in the morning:

  1. Pull up in vehicle outside of work building.
  2. Park said vehicle.
  3. Enter said work building.
  4. Proceed to elevator.
  5. Push elevator button.
  6. Enter said elevator.
  7. Push elevator button to communicate to elevator the level you’d like to be taken to (Level 3).
  8. Proceed to check your Facebook feed on your hand held mobile device.
  9. Exit the elevator when the door opens.
  10. Say “Hi” to the lady who enters the elevator as you exit.
  11. Repeat Step 8 whilst walking through multiple corridors to the door of your office.
  12. Arrive at office door.
  13. Notice that office door is locked with a padlock.
  14. Stare at said padlock for 10 seconds trying to figure why the door is padlocked when it usually is not.
  15. Look at the office door and read the name of the business. It is not the name of your business.
  16. Realise that you’ve exited the elevator on the wrong level (Level 2) because you did not check which level the elevator was stopped at when you exited because you were too engrossed in your Facebook feed to do so.
  17. Realise that you also did not notice that you were walking on a completely incorrect level for almost a full minute because you were too engrossed in your Facebook feed to do so.
  18. Sigh.
  19. Proclaim the word “fuck” in the most enthusiastic tone you can muster that early in the morning.
  20. Hang your head in shame.
  21. Proceed to the elevator.
  22. Proceed to the correct floor.
  23. Proceed to the correct office.
  24. Walk into the office as inconspicuously as possible and don’t tell your co-workers why you were slightly late to work that morning.
  25. Do not repeat this series of steps ever again.

The end.

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