An Introduction of Sorts

Welcome to my humble abode. Come in. Make yourself at home.

I’ll put the kettle on. We may be here a while.

What you’ll see below is my attempt at an introductory blog post. It’ll probably get weird. But whatever. That’s likely why you’re here. 

This is the kind of thing I usually severely dislike. Having to put myself out there in front of people and talk about myself. Already I’m feeling the onset of a little dry mouth and some minor heart palpitations.

Like, you know when you start a new job and you’re sat in the one room with all the other people starting around the same time. The desks are all pushed against the wall and you’re all sat in a circle like you’re at a fucking AA meeting. But in an ironic turn of events, all of you are likely going to become alcoholics considering your new workplace’s Friday afternoon drinks celebrations start at 3pm at the latest (or so veteran employee Brian told you on the way in).

Anyway, The HR rep who’s really trying their best to keep the crowd interested pipes up, “Ok guys, now it’s time to do something fun. We’ll each go around and say our names and mention one fact about ourselves.”

I literally just go rigid and start sweating profusely. One fact. How the heck is it so hard to come up with literally one fact? I’m probably going to fuck up saying my name as well, come to think of it. It’s happened before. My hands clam up worse than they already are. I have naturally clammy hands. It’s a curse, really. Maybe that can be my fun fact. At least people will avoid shaking hands with me.

Anyway, the trial begins and then it’s 2 hours later and the entirety of the knowledge I’ve gained from this session is:

Sharon has 6 Border Collies each named after a different member of the Kardashian/Jenner family. The breeder she bought them from claims they’re all full siblings but Shaz says that she really is not 100% sure of Khloe’s parentage.

Trent has an ingrown toenail that needs surgery next Tuesday so he’ll have to, and I quote, “Chuck a sickie or five haha”. Thanks for sharing, Trent.

Melissa is a mushroom enthusiast, which is a fine and totally normally thing to be enthused about.

Shanelle was born in France but she moved here to follow her passion for reptile handling. She one day hopes to become an animal handler at a zoo. I’m not entirely sure why she’s chosen the corporate route to get there. It doesn’t make too much sense to me. But whatever Shanelle, you do you.

Ok, so those are the things I know. I’m now emotionally invested in these people’s lives. This job is literally a reality tv sitcom to me now.

Do you know what I don’t know? How to do my fucking job. The one thing I’ve come here to do. The one thing that this company is paying me to do. And now, all I can think of is how they’re going to treat the festering wound on Trent’s toe next week and can I please have video footage of the entire operation. But that’s too weird to ask someone when you’re just meeting them for the first time. Or ever, probably.

So yeah, not good with “getting to know you” exercises. Or any team bonding exercises that require improvisation or answering personal questions or making decisions, really. Trivia though, I will tear you apart.

But like, talking to people is hard. And I have never been good at improvisation. I took drama once in high school because it was compulsory in grade 8. Dreaded every lesson. I’m anxious and awkward and entirely not suited to any social situation that involves me having to do things of an improvisational manner. Getting my shit together and manning up in an attempt to start this blog is kind of a big step for me.

Anyway, if you’re still reading this, congrats. You’ve made it through an actual semi-trailer load of shit. Give yourself a pat on the back. Go buy a cupcake (or an entire cake). Nobody’s going to judge you for it. You totally deserve it.

Moving on, I’m going to share a few things that you might like to know about me before committing yourself to following this blog. Basically, things I like and things I dislike. See below.

Likes:

• All cats. Every single cat. It doesn’t matter if they’re cross eyed, bald, mangy, have fucked up teeth. Every single cat, I will love without prejudice.
• Some humans.

Dislikes:

• No cats. I don’t dislike one cat. And I never will. Even if they are biters.
• Most humans.

In conclusion, cats > humans.

That’s my fun fact for you all for today. Take from it what you will.

In all seriousness, I’ve always loved to write and have contemplated starting a blog many a time in the past. I always seemed to come up with excuses though. What should I write about? Where do I start? A blog should have a central theme, shouldn’t it? Something to focus around?

I could never come up with somewhere to start, even when my previous boyfriend literally bought me a subscription so that I could set up webpage (D, if you’re reading this, thank you. Even though I was too lazy to use the gift you gave me I appreciate it nonetheless).

But recently I’ve been getting some encouraging feedback from friends (special mention to T, who was super encouraging over a fantastic steak and veg meal at the pub last week), colleagues, etc. and I’ve decided what the hell, I’ll just spurt some bullshit and go from there. What could possibly go wrong?

My wonderfully fantastic boyfriend has helped me out with the logo you see at the top of the screen. He’s the creative half of this duo and I love him to bits! And no, he didn’t pay me to write that. Next time I’ll charge a shout out fee though.

So anyway, thank you for reading this wall of shite. This is the thing I’ve created. I hope that you at least enjoy it a little. There will be more posts to come, I’m just not sure when or what they will be about. The usual drivel, probably.

Catch you later!

Kates

Please bear with me because I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing. If you have any suggestions for me regarding things I should post about, etc. let me know. I will need your help to make this blog as entertaining as I’d like it to be.

Feel free to leave a comment if you’d like to. Encouragement feeds my ego. It’s a growing boy and it needs nourishment.

me rn: